Stupid mind

I sit and wonder how your mind is thinking.I know mine is crazy.I think about you all the time,how I can make things better.I have hurt my surroundings for so many years.I used to think I did the right things but as I sit here and wonder.Did I do the right thing?Probably not.I get so wore out of thinking about what could of happen or might have happened.I know I made a mistake for sure.I have been crazy for you for so long and I have washed it down the drain cause of being scared.To this day I am very scared of people.I don't like to think I am a burden on them nor do I feel like I have took their thought away.I have always wanted just a hppy family,not money nor the biggest baddest things,But I left thinking like that.You gave me the most beauitful present in the world two of my hearts.How could of I been so stupid and walk on you.You probebly sit and think well maybe she did the right thing maybe she didn't but I will soon go the rest of my life not trustin others cause of what she done to me.I live with the guilt everyday of my life.Is love not worth trying and working on?Do you run when the shit gets deep?Do you learn to forgive what has happened?I have always heard ask God to forgive?I done this so many times but isn't it the person I need the forgiveness from.I know that I love you so much.I know my mind wonders alot but I have finally figured out what my deal is.I was hurt one time in life and it has stuck with me for over 12 yrs.The day I was hurt it felt like a knife has brushed over my heart.It hurt.I tried to forgive and not think about it but it was so hard knowing I gave up everything ,that is what I was worth ,nothing.So I lived the rest of my life hurting people before i get hurt.IT is not right.I have so many loves that could of been right but I stomped on it.To this day I try not get to close and it makes it hard for a marriage.Does my heart need work,yes.The one that hurts the most is that one person heard I had 5 kids and first thing said to me was"Damn you better stay with your man,No one else would touch you".I stood there just thinking was the person right.I just wondering that the fathers of my kids do just fine,these women know about the kids.Why is so wrong for a women who has children to be pushed out of the world cause she has kids.I know it wasn't true I have done just fine as a mother when i had 3 kids.It just makes me think more.I know my 1st love will always be with my kids.The love I have next will to fix what I messed up.You make think you understand this entry but you don't.You may assum but I can tell you that your wrong.
Lots of thinking.
Maybe being where I am today,the changes I have made have me thinking like crazy.I have no clue.
I am done